I Want My Voice Back

            “Okay, class. Today we are going to continue learning the multiples of seven. Yesterday, we reached number five, which totals 35. Can anyone guess or tell me what seven multiplied by six equals?”

            Her hand launches toward the ceiling confidently, faster than anyone else in her class.

            “Yes, Charlotte?”

            “42.” She states with a smile. “You just have to add seven to 35.”

            “Very good, Charlotte! And what a great way to figure that out. What about seven multiplied by seven?”

            Her hand shoots up again. And again after the next prompt. And again and again and again until the muscle in her arm is so sore from stretching her palm so high. Except this time when she answers the question for Mrs. Fetchner, her third grade peers start to stare at her with furrowed brows and tight lips. They begin to whisper.

            Teacher’s pet. Know-it-all. Show-off. Why can’t she just be quiet for once?

            Well, now she is quiet, probably even too quiet. The girl once beaming with pride at every answer she knew was correct – answering with authority – now hides timidly behind the voices of her classmates, listening to them give the right answer even when she knew it all along. She doesn’t speak up. The girl who loved to talk and share what she thought with others can’t even shake up the courage to offer opinions toward a discussion in her collegiate courses. She wants to remain as invisible as possible, but why?

It’s actually quite simple. It’s fear. The fear of being judged secretly or overtly by others, of being mistaken and put down, of being disliked. Her voice is now an insecure shudder, usually followed by a “speak louder, Charlotte, they can’t hear you in the back.” She dreads speaking up like she dreads being called on unwanted.

Every time she’s called upon to answer, her mind hears the voices in that elementary school classroom, rewinding and playing them over in her head. She wishes she didn’t care what others thought, she wishes she was more confident in that regard, but then again, fear is a tricky thing to overcome, especially one that’s been engrained inside for so long.

Voices have power, and not only in the sense that they express one’s thoughts, needs, and wants. They influence others, knowingly or not, and it doesn’t even matter the age. Voices can change in a split second or slowly over time. Voices can be made louder or they can be made softer. They can even be made to not be heard at all.

Luckily, the girl who always tries to sit unnoticeably in the back – despite her declining vision – is gradually making her way up to the front. The voice that had transformed into a scared, quiet murmur, is steadily finding its way back to the little girl in third grade who loved to speak up. This girl is slowly realizing that decreasing one’s own voice only gives power to the ones that have put it down.

Well, she’s ready to take that power back.